thinking out loud

I need to get this off my chest before I forget. Forgive me, it's a little stream of consciousness as I let my thoughts wander from one tangent to another

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of love lately. We blame Love for all sorts of stupidity.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

I will admit, I have done some stupid things in the name of love. I'm considering doing another.

Because love is forgiving, I have chosen to turn a blind eye to things that are hurtful to me. Because love is long-suffering and sacrificial, I have sacrificed myself -- who I am. Because it does not envy, I swallow my jealousy and pride and consider courses of action and thought that I know in the long run will subsume who I am and return me to the dark place where I was. Simply existing, trying to make the best of things, putting on a mask to hide the pain.

Love should not cause pain. Yes, when you love someone you open yourself up to the risk of being caused pain -- of being hurt. But the choice of loving someone should not cause pain. Proving to them and to yourself that you love someone should not be a reason to sublimate your natural urges to express your love. Not being able to show love, and to trust the one that I love causes pain. Not being able to trust someone who says that they love me also causes pain.

By the way, I am talking about all sorts. Not just romantic. agape | storge | philia | eros

I love whole-heartedly, with abandon, when given the chance. Some people know this, some have experienced it. Some have taken advantage of it or taken it for granted.

I'm tired of being taken advantage of. And yet. And yet I can't bear to see the people I love suffer in any way if I know I can help them. Catch-22.

'Til I do something evil to make them hate me.

Have you ever wondered at how quickly love can turn to hate?

I can't hate. It's just not in me. Even when I have every reason to. I get angry for a little bit and then I let it go.

And this time, rather than try to hang on, and feel resentment later, I think I will just let go.

More later ... this took a turn I wasn't expecting ...

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