When the darkness closes in
Starting sometime yesterday and continuing into today I have been feeling increasingly sad, overwhelmed, down, but not anxious. I am feeling off emotionally, and usually will listen to Christian music to "reset". I was listening to Women of Faith's version of "Blessed Be Your Name" and couldn't stop crying. And I repeated it three or four times hoping that a good cry was all I needed to reset. Unfortunately, I am still out of sorts and on the verge. Verge of what? I don’t know. An emotional breakdown or eruption for sure.
Even in the darkness, my heart will choose to say, "Blessed be your name"
I have to hold onto that. I am emotionally at the end of my rope, and there’s no knot to hang onto. I woke up sometime in the night with a picture in my head and the question “What does your soul look like?” The picture in my head was … it was as if I could see inside myself and see my soul. Perhaps too much Bujold -- recently finished Horizon (The Sharing Knife, Book 4) -- and … the closest I can come to describing it is like Dag’s ground when he takes in all sorts of crap that he’s not supposed to. All messed up, and cloudy, and tainted by malice (go read the book, you’ll get it). It just reinforced the idea that I am messed up inside and out.
When I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be your name
I know God exists, but I feel like I’m walking around like the Israelites. Lost. I don’t know where to turn, where to get help. His voice is silent. Even when I am still. Or so it seems. I’m not very good at being still.
Blessed be your name when the sun's shining down on me
It’s easy to praise when things are going good. Things aren't going so good for me right now. On the surface I have my health, wealth, and family. But, I’ve been suffering from chronic pain again, bills and taxes are due and I really have no idea where I stand financially (after almost 20 years of making a buck and I still can’t keep my checkbook balanced!) and my family life is a mess.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, Still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord.
Is there anything else I can do?
Blessed Be Your Name (Blessed Be Your Name Album Version) - Matt Redman