Passive – Aggressive Idiocy

So, my marriage taught me how to approach people and issues from the side. Obliquely. Never deal with anything head-on if you can avoid an unpleasant or disappointing confrontation. I’m learning that doesn’t work real well in the real world. Or with dealing with people who aren’t control freaks. Boy, do I have a lot to re-learn.

This is one reason why I said being single wasn’t so bad a few days ago on twitter. It doesn’t reflect on anyone I might be dating, it’s totally on me. I don’t know how to relate to people anymore, at least, not the ones who are interested in me romantically.

JPD said he wanted to have time to talk and I nearly had a panic attack (yes, hyperbole), it was merely a mild anxiety attack. Gob-smacked because someone actually wanted to have a conversation with me, in RL (that’s real life). And then realizing that might mean that I’ll have to be emotionally available. Girlfriend say what??!!!??? That’s what actually caused the racing of my heart and heavy breathing. I haven’t been emotionally available in nearly a decade. Too much risk ya know?

Photograph of The Great Wall of China from 1907.Image via Wikipedia

I’m having the time of my life hoping I don’t come across as an idiot trying to remember how to have face-to-face conversations, without walls, which is hard for me. Incredibly hard. It’s like … no walls for friends and the Great Wall of China for someone who might want more than friendship. The only people I find myself being myself around are my friends from high school (and Jes). Because they know me and will call me on any BS right off. Not even my family can do that anymore because I had to present different fronts to them, make everything appear that it was ok for so long.

All this to say … I really hate passive-aggressive people and even more so being one and having to train myself out of it. UGH!

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