Epiphany
Music: Imagine Me – Kirk Franklin (Hero)
I’ve been thinking about the fact that I know I have sinned against the LORD and yet feel no remorse. The epiphany – you don’t usually feel sorry about something unless you do something you feel is morally repugnant or you hurt someone you truly care for or have some sort of positive relationship with,
or you are just so amoral that you don’t care. On the one hand, I have been an adulteress for so long that I don't find it morally repungnant for myself anymore. It's part of who I am. Sometime around the time I turned 21 I destroyed the part of me that cared about that. For the second, I realized today that I may have never had a real relationship with the Lord. I feel no loss, no remorse, no ... nothing. Just the realization that something should bethere, might have been there once. 29 years of ... lip service? faking it? was it ever real?
In the whole fiasco that has consumed Tim and I for the last 8 months (wow! that long already?) I've only been compelled to apologize and felt remorse towards one person, and it wasn't Tim nor God.
So what do I do now?
I’ve been thinking about the fact that I know I have sinned against the LORD and yet feel no remorse. The epiphany – you don’t usually feel sorry about something unless you do something you feel is morally repugnant or you hurt someone you truly care for or have some sort of positive relationship with,
or you are just so amoral that you don’t care. On the one hand, I have been an adulteress for so long that I don't find it morally repungnant for myself anymore. It's part of who I am. Sometime around the time I turned 21 I destroyed the part of me that cared about that. For the second, I realized today that I may have never had a real relationship with the Lord. I feel no loss, no remorse, no ... nothing. Just the realization that something should bethere, might have been there once. 29 years of ... lip service? faking it? was it ever real?
In the whole fiasco that has consumed Tim and I for the last 8 months (wow! that long already?) I've only been compelled to apologize and felt remorse towards one person, and it wasn't Tim nor God.
So what do I do now?
I link to Psalm 51 in the above post, and you know, ever since I was a teenager verse 10 has been a favorite verse, but I never seemed to remember it's context. And now I'm trying to memorize and apply the whole darn chapter. With limited success.
ReplyDeleteNow what do you do? *hugs* You set out to find out who God really is. And who your husband really is for that matter. Who you really are might be a good idea too.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good step, I think. To know this about yourself. I love you.
Cheese
and we qoute.
ReplyDeletefor you do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it...
you do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit
a broken and a contrite heart.
these O God You will not despice.
it seems to me my friend... you have mabey reached the end of yourself.... at which point God is actually able to breath into you new life.
vs 10...create in me.... it is a process that is at times quite painful,it is a process and not an easy one at that...
well my prayers and love are with you and tim .
lm1