Run Away

There’s a 80s or 90s song and the chorus is going through my head, something about running away. I want to run away from myself, from my husband and family, from everything. I can barely cope. Today, I’m staying home, for the safety factor. If I got in the car, who knows what I would do. Something responsible most likely. Or at least predictable. One of my friends last night called me very predictable. So predictable in fact that he is pretty sure that I am going to separate from my husband and that will eventually lead to divorce. I really just want to get away from it all and everyone. Have a little peace and quiet so I can truly evaluate things. I don’t even know who I am anymore; let alone who I want to be. Just for a little while. I know there is no out. Not under God. But can’t I just have a little break? Just for a few days (or weeks), or until things are a little more under control? Till I can face reality with a little more composure and clarity. Everyone is basically telling me to get my head out of my ass, but I can’t. I just can’t.

Another friend suggests that while I am doing all this thinking, I am just changing the outcome. My inaction, or delayed action, changes the outcome. Part of me is frozen by fear and confusion. How did it get this bad (this fast?) How did I let myself get involved in something so detrimental? I thought I was smarter, more aware. Or maybe my masochist is tricking me. Ugh, here I go again, feeling sick as all get out. Time to go get Josh.

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