Random internal dialogue

what is it with men who put their own desires on you???? but that's another rant about men who think they are all that and think you should think that too. and that you should sleep with them because they are all that.

I've been comparing myself to a cat since I was a teenager, mainly in how they express affection and like to receive affection. *head butt*paw* scratch* pay attention to me dammit!!! Oh yeah, ears, chin, maybe belly if you are really good .... there I go digressing. Oh wait! i can do that in this one. I have never been good at stream of consciousness writing. I'm always aware of my audience and try to stay on topic, whatever the topic may be.

Today's topic is ME!!! See that bit up there about me being narcissistic. I am really really really internal right now. If I step out of me, I see it's disgusting and selfish, and not the usual me. But that;s where i am right now. All about me. I'm selfish and demanding, and recently very untrustworthy, and lazy, and selfish (oh darn, did I mention that already) and the super-sad-disturbing part is that I know all this and I don't care. I can't seem to get up the gumption to change. i don't want to change. everyone around me is telling me what to do and how to do it, maybe knowing or not knowing that I know all this already, but my heart isn't in it. Sometimes I am terribly sad, and other times, just ... shut down. I'm vacillating between complete nervous breakdown and shutting down and out everything emotional. I've done both before. You think i'm nuts now???!!!??? I think i am nuts now. I haven't been this unstable in years, and that took something traumatic happening. I was between relationships, did something stupid, tried to fix it, and went nuts. Then I did it again 9 months later!!! Though that was for the love of a man. NOTE: any man that asks you to betray yourself is NOT worth keeping. Not to mention he dumped me a year later. Then I went through some seriously self-destructive behavior. Moved up here, had to grow up a little more, and stopped the behavior. well, that and there were no enablers up here. Fast forward 6 years. Somehow, I find myself in the place where i was about 8 or 9 years ago. Ready to go nuts and all self-destructive. and it's taking all my resolve not to do that, not to self destruct. there's more at stake now and I have a sense of responsibility. that's what's keeping me from going absolutely bonkers. the masochist in me Really really really really really wants out -- just to see what would happen. The masochist would like to see exactly how bad things can get. I mean, come on, how many people can you hurt? How badly can you hurt them? and then .... is your tongue, motives, heart good enough to regain all that trust, in record time no less, and make it all better? Can you hit bottom and then make it all better?

So, it wants to destroy me and has issued a challenge. and, oh, how i love a good challenge. but then, there is knowing when not to listen, when to walk away, etc. how do you walk away from the voice in your head?