Fake it till ya make it

What do you do when you just don’t care anymore? Do you keep doing the right thing, hoping that care and concern will eventually catch up with your actions? I’m not a very good actress, so “Fake it till ya make it” has never worked well for me. I prefer to feel and do things from true (enough?) motives. Like helping little old ladies, I do that because I respect them, see a place where I can be useful and want to. That desire to do a good thing means so much to me. When I do things half-heartedly, you can tell. They’re half-assed too. Nothing like enthusiasm to truly make a difference.

Like, as a child I never made the commitment to be a Christian because I didn’t want to go to hell. I mean, why say something if it’s just to avoid punishment? I should have made the commitment when I was six and not able to play devil’s advocate with myself, let alone question my motives or anyone else’s. When you are six, your motives are true, you only dissimilate to keep from getting a spanking (

That may be part of my problem. I’m a fence-sitter. But I am a matter-of-fact fence-sitter. Except for when I am PMSing, I deal with things fairly matter-of-factly. I like to analyze feelings and motives, to try to get to the bottom of things. … more later, mommy duties abound.