Duty vs love Love vs Duty

Talk about being torn. My heart is in my throat, and I can’t decide to be angry or scared or obedient. I don’t deal well with ultimatums. I tend to buck against them and do the exact opposite of the behavior demanded. I’ll call your bluff. And in the last week I have gotten them from both sides. The ones who gave the ultimatums would probably disagree with my choice of words, but both have said “me or him”, in no uncertain terms. With one, I lose everything, with the other, the possibility of everything. I feel like a rabbit caught by a pack of ravening wolves. Usually I am the wolf on the prowl, this time I am the prey. I don’t like this feeling. (I know Thea, feelings can’t be trusted), but right now, they have me absolutely paralyzed. Cuz, well, this is NOT a win-win situation. And calling either one’s bluff means giving into the others ultimatum.

This morning, I got sucker-punched. Again and again and again. I once told my DH that I never want to know if he has an affair. I just didn’t want to know. This morning I got to feel why. I can understand another friend’s post about sexual sin made her sick to her stomach. I felt about ready to roll over and die. And oh god, the fear. And I swear I am transported back 12 years. It hurts so much. I have walls higher than the Great Wall of China. I thought I was dealing with someone where I could leave a gate open, he had walls high and thick enough for the both of us. Big mistake. I forgot how much love could hurt. I didn’t even realize how big a hole had been torn in my wall till it started hurting. And he knows every g**damn way to hurt me. Does lust hurt like this?  To clarify: no, my DH has not had an affair. But my lover is considering one. It’s not really an affair since we haven’t made a commitment to each other. But OMG, the thought of him in the arms of another woman – this is me keeling over from the shock, the pain, the sense of …. For lack of a better word betrayal. And this is probably how my DH feels. What a fucked up triangle, eh?

The logical part of me is saying “Do NOT put up with this bullshit! If he loves you, he wouldn’t treat you this way”

And after a little more conversation, I know why I keep my walls up. It hurts less. It doesn’t hurt at all when they are good and strong.


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