What is your true element?

December 31, 2005
Well, this certainly hasn't been me lately, maybe 10 years ago:

LightYour element is Light: Innocent, beautiful,kind-hearted and pure.

You are so sweet you're almost angelic! You find joy in others' happiness and cannot stand to see anyone in pain. You want to make everyone around you feel good about themselves and if someone is upset, you can tend to become rather upset as well, which means you are sympathetic and raise others above yourself. Being as kind and good-natured as you are people have most likely hurt you in the past but you pick yourself up every time. You may look fragile but you are stronger then most tend to see. Life is beautiful no matter how you look at it and you understand that people make mistakes. Not everyone is perfect. You try to see the good in the bad which is a talent few posses. Dont ever let anyone change you. You truly have a beautiful soul inside and a heart of gold.

What feeling are you trying to hide?

HASH(0x8c25d3c)You are hiding pain!

Your heart is deeply hurt and confused. You strive to be the happy, fun-loving person you once were but fail. Something in your life may have hurt you so deeply that you cannot seem to pull yourself back together and are constantly on the verge of falling apart. You are seemingly in a sea of darkness, in search of the light.

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The Lonely
You belong in the Twilight Zone episode The Lonely,
about a murderer who is exiled to another
planet. His only company is a female robot, and
he is heartbroken when he cannot take her with
him back to earth.
I'm home. Early even.

Nativity -- a Christmas Poem by John Donne

December 25, 2005

Immensity cloistered in thy dear womb,
Now leaves His well-belov'd imprisonment,
There He hath made Himself to His intent
Weak enough, now into the world to come;
But O, for thee, for Him, hath the inn no room?
Yet lay Him in this stall, and from the Orient,
Stars and wise men will travel to prevent
The effect of Herod's jealous general doom.
Seest thou, my soul, with thy faith's eyes, how He
Which fills all place, yet none holds Him, doth lie?
Was not His pity towards thee wondrous high,
That would have need to be pitied by thee?
Kiss Him, and with Him into Egypt go,
With His kind mother, who partakes thy woe.
Man, Storm is my fave, but oh well

Holy crap! You are:
Has some serious potential as a fighter, but is far too busy playing around and breaking hearts to care. I bet she's a slut, too. Oh, but she's also the Phoenix, and can ruin someone's shit at the drop of a hat. Once she learns to control it, that is.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 20% on Mutations
Link: The Which X-Man Are You Test written by alexium on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

You are cautious as often as you are bold. An enviable balance. Your world might explode every now and again, but you were pretty much done with it anyway.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 64% on dentity
Link: The Hitchhiker's Guide Personality Test written by donquixotic on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

NORAD Tracks Santa 2005

December 24, 2005
Continuous Live Updates
Follow Santa Claus as he travels around the world

i just had to send this its soo cute...lol

December 23, 2005

Oh my gosh this is hilarious!!!!

Annette Sargent

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein

-----Original Message-----

I just had to send this. I am very over tired and this just cracked me up!!
Happy Happy - Ho, Ho, Ho

Pet Lizard
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can
you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son
holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron.."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face.. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little...." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker .....

Bush to Sign Bill Banning Mistreatment - Yahoo! News

December 22, 2005
"WASHINGTON - President Bush is expected to sign a voluminous defense bill that requires the humane treatment of foreign terrorism suspects and rebukes some of his wartime policies.

On a voice vote, the Senate late Wednesday approved the bill setting Pentagon policy, sending it to the president's desk for his signature. The House passed the legislation Monday.
The Bush administration initially threatened to veto any bill limiting how the United States detains, interrogates or prosecutes terror suspects.

But last week, Bush reluctantly endorsed the ban on cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment of foreign detainees amid pressure from the Republican-controlled Congress and U.S. allies."


word for the day

December 21, 2005
"confrere: a colleague, comrade, or intimate associate."

I need more of these. Or of the ones that I have, more time to talk.

FW: Deep Thoughts...

Deep thoughts ...from the shallow end of the pool...

   1.  Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

   2.  A day without sunshine is like...night.

   3.  On the other hand, you have different fingers.

   4.  42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

   5.  99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   6.  Remember, half the people you know are below average.

   7.  He who laughs last thinks slowest.

   8.  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

   9.  The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10.  Support bacteria.  They're the only culture some people have.

11.  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12.  Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13.  If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14.  How many of you believe in psychokinesis?  Raise my hand.

15.  OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16.  When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17.  Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.

18.  Every one has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.

19.  How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20.  Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21.  What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22.  I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23.  Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24.  Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25.  Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

26.  Light travels faster than sound.  That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27.  Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeños.  What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow


Merry Christmas & a Very Happy New Year

Today...I wish you a day of ordinary miracles-

A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.

An unexpected phone call from an old friend.

Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.

I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...

The fastest line at the grocery store.

A good sing along song on the radio.

Your keys right where you look.

I wish you a day of happiness and perfection-little bite-size
pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is
smiling on you,
holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.

I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to
appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget .
It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in too much of a hurry and
that you've probably forgotten your friends.

Take the time!

Hugs From Your Friend!
And God Bless!

Core Dump

Garden of Gethsemane
Last night my husband prayed over me and our marriage for 45 minutes, out loud. He probably would have continued pouring his heart out if I hadn’t ... umm, snored. It’s funny and not at the same time. The Garden of Gethsemane came to us at the same time, but I am sorry, midnight comes around and I am usually out. Unless I have something that totally captivates my attention. And he had my attention and I was praying silently (if the prayer of a righteous man availeth much, what about the prayer of an unrepentant sinner?) and everything was copacetic till I put my head on his lap. About 5 minutes later I was probably out. Something about being still, let alone lying down. So he stopped, woke me up, I looked at the clock and told him how long he had been praying. He was surprised too. And still desired to pray more. I had to, sadly, tell him to stop pushing. My heart is hard enough. Sometimes I can feel it getting harder. I’m trying to maintain some sort of twisted balance, but a balance that won’t push me over to hating and resenting him.

Dinner Date
A friend had a dinner date last night. Sort of a blind date. I am dying to know how it went. But he doesn’t kiss and tell. Not many gentlemen like that around these days. And who have such nosy friends as me. Sigh maybe I will find out later.

Random Stuff
Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain. It’s pouring and the sky is almost black, the house is cold, but Joy is laying on my lap watching George Shrinks as I write this. Yes, my lap is crowded. I’m planning on doing Christmas cookies, and shortbread, and maybe fudge and blondies if I can get off my ass. I have not much motivation. Lots of great ideas, no desire to implement them. Grrr, Josh left the front door open. And darnit, my computer has frozen and required a reboot TWICE this morning!!!! It’s getting frustrating. Especially when I am actually trying to do real work. And now there seems to be a bug in our Christmas tree …

Back to trying to motivate myself ……

junkie revealed

The silence is deafening. Kinda good, kinda bad. I’m always looking for something to keep me busy, occupied. I am not good at being still. I fidget a lot more than I used to. Today we had our first counseling session. First time I have ever been in one. I AM screwed up nine ways from Sunday. Lots of issues, one may be ADHD. And addiction, two things that have come up recently from other people who suffer from similar issues. At least there’s a reason I’m nutzoid. I thought it was just me being irresponsible. Which isn’t to say that I shouldn’t change my behavior, but the counselor wants to work on the roots of some of my problems, especially the addiction one. That’s a biggie right now.

Man Dates Gal on Internet for 6 months and it turns out to be his mother!

December 18, 2005
By Grace Green

MARSEILLES, France -- Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks talking with a sensual woman on the Internet before arranging a romantic rendezvous at a remote beach -- and discovering that his on-line sweetie of six months was his own mother!

"I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams," the rattled bachelor later admitted. "And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she'd said she would.

"But when I got close, she turned around -- and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn't know what to say. All I could think was, 'Oh my God! it's Mama!' "

But the worst was yet to come. Just as the mortified mother and son realized the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark.

"Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop," recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52. "The policeman wrote a report, a local TV station got hold of it -- and the next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o'clock news. "People started pointing and laughing at us on the street -- and they haven't stopped laughing since."

The girl-crazy X-ray technician said he began flirting with normally straitlaced Nicole -- who lives six miles away in a Marseilles suburb -- while scouring the Internet for young ladies to put a little pizzazz in his life.
[snip] - read the rest on Yahoo!

Christmas Poems

One of the earliest poets included is John Donne who was born in 1572 and is represented by one of his Christmas poems called the "Nativity". The most famous poet listed is Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and two of his finest Christmas poems have therefore been included. The titles of these Christmas poems are topically called "Christmas Bells" and "The Three Kings". We have two authors better known perhaps for the their larger literary works - G. K. Chesterton who is one of the several famous authors who have increased the number of Christmas poems entitled "A Christmas Carol". The other literary genius is Hans Christian Anderson whose short story "The Little Match Seller" is included as it is very short and would be almost criminal not to include on any site focussing on Christmas poems and its associated literature.

Duty vs love Love vs Duty

Talk about being torn. My heart is in my throat, and I can’t decide to be angry or scared or obedient. I don’t deal well with ultimatums. I tend to buck against them and do the exact opposite of the behavior demanded. I’ll call your bluff. And in the last week I have gotten them from both sides. The ones who gave the ultimatums would probably disagree with my choice of words, but both have said “me or him”, in no uncertain terms. With one, I lose everything, with the other, the possibility of everything. I feel like a rabbit caught by a pack of ravening wolves. Usually I am the wolf on the prowl, this time I am the prey. I don’t like this feeling. (I know Thea, feelings can’t be trusted), but right now, they have me absolutely paralyzed. Cuz, well, this is NOT a win-win situation. And calling either one’s bluff means giving into the others ultimatum.

This morning, I got sucker-punched. Again and again and again. I once told my DH that I never want to know if he has an affair. I just didn’t want to know. This morning I got to feel why. I can understand another friend’s post about sexual sin made her sick to her stomach. I felt about ready to roll over and die. And oh god, the fear. And I swear I am transported back 12 years. It hurts so much. I have walls higher than the Great Wall of China. I thought I was dealing with someone where I could leave a gate open, he had walls high and thick enough for the both of us. Big mistake. I forgot how much love could hurt. I didn’t even realize how big a hole had been torn in my wall till it started hurting. And he knows every g**damn way to hurt me. Does lust hurt like this?  To clarify: no, my DH has not had an affair. But my lover is considering one. It’s not really an affair since we haven’t made a commitment to each other. But OMG, the thought of him in the arms of another woman – this is me keeling over from the shock, the pain, the sense of …. For lack of a better word betrayal. And this is probably how my DH feels. What a fucked up triangle, eh?

The logical part of me is saying “Do NOT put up with this bullshit! If he loves you, he wouldn’t treat you this way”

And after a little more conversation, I know why I keep my walls up. It hurts less. It doesn’t hurt at all when they are good and strong.

Joy likes to sing

December 17, 2005
I wish I had gotten the second part of the song. She started improvising verses. Who let the lion out ROWR/Who let the cat out *meow*/Who let my animals out (all sorts of animal sounds).

Joy's Abridged Version of Empire Strikes Back

Mystic Theurge
33% Combativeness, 43% Sneakiness, 73% Intellect, 69% Spirituality
Brilliant and spiritual! You are a Mystic Theurge!
Score! You have a prestige class. A prestige class can only be taken after you’ve fulfilled certain requirements. This may mean that you’re an exceptionally talented person, but it probably doesn't.
The Mystic Theurge is a combination of a cleric and a mage. They can cast both arcane and divine spells, and are good at both, making them pretty terrifying on the battlefield. They have more raw spellpower than just about any other class.
You're both intelligent and faithful, but not violent or deceitful. I guess that makes you a pretty good person.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 36% on Combativeness

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 68% on Sneakiness

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 61% on Intellect

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 88% on Spirituality
Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

My li'l baller

Rededication & Flowers

December 16, 2005
Flowers go a long way. 18 red roses go a little bit further =)

Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for is it not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to belive the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

The drama continues to unfold, but Tim got me 18 long-stemmed red roses tonight (because he wanted to!) and a beautiful card, and some of my favorite cookies. He has always had a talent with picking cards. I think I am going to like this courting thing. Things have disintegrated to the beginning, or maybe past the beginning. And I am still unrepentant. Don’t know why. Probably because of all the stubborn bones in my body. There are quite a few. The above underlined phrases are where I have been especially unloving. I would love to use the excuse that I am only human, and I am. But I was selfish, self-serving, and well, my patience ran out. I wasn’t exactly resentful, though in the past 6 weeks that feeling has surfaced. I felt unloved and went seeking consolation. Found it in the darndest of places. Pursued it despite warnings of good friends and common sense. It feels so good to be paid attention to, and shown love, and to know that someone loved me for me. And it’s easy to return love in that environment. Sabe? Unfortunately, we both know that it will take a lot more than some flowers and a card to fix things, but it’s a very good start. Tomboy that I am, I expect the man that I married to remember that I am a woman. Not to mention the mother of the apple of his eye.  

Oi-Vey!!!! Look at the time, we have an at-home date in an hour and I still have to clean. I hate cleaning. Once I get a job I am going to hire a maid.

Right now I am listening to this album and a few by Acapella and Keith Green. Track#2 is playing. Yeah, I need prayer and then some.

1. Heavenly Father - Cece Winans
2. Anybody Wanna Pray - Cece Winans
3. Say A Prayer - Cece Winans
4. More Than What I Wanted - Cece Winans
5. Looking Back At You - Cece Winans
6. More Than Just A Friend - Cece Winans
7. No One - Cece Winans
8. For Love Alone - Cece Winans
9. Bring Back The Days Of Yea and Nay - Cece Winans
10. Out My House - Cece Winans
11. Holy Spirit, Come Fill This Place - Cece Winans
12. It's Gonna Get Better - Cece Winans
13. Better Place - Cece Winans

Fake it till ya make it

What do you do when you just don’t care anymore? Do you keep doing the right thing, hoping that care and concern will eventually catch up with your actions? I’m not a very good actress, so “Fake it till ya make it” has never worked well for me. I prefer to feel and do things from true (enough?) motives. Like helping little old ladies, I do that because I respect them, see a place where I can be useful and want to. That desire to do a good thing means so much to me. When I do things half-heartedly, you can tell. They’re half-assed too. Nothing like enthusiasm to truly make a difference.

Like, as a child I never made the commitment to be a Christian because I didn’t want to go to hell. I mean, why say something if it’s just to avoid punishment? I should have made the commitment when I was six and not able to play devil’s advocate with myself, let alone question my motives or anyone else’s. When you are six, your motives are true, you only dissimilate to keep from getting a spanking (

That may be part of my problem. I’m a fence-sitter. But I am a matter-of-fact fence-sitter. Except for when I am PMSing, I deal with things fairly matter-of-factly. I like to analyze feelings and motives, to try to get to the bottom of things. … more later, mommy duties abound.

Dont go breaking my heart

December 15, 2005
Right now I am listening to the soundtrack for Ella Enchanted. Mainly because it’s upbeat great dance (and cleaning music). And having some fun dancing with and watching my daughter dance and make up her own lyrics (something about Tummy Yummies and Clifford and other PBSKids shows). But the first song, upbeat as it is, really fits some of the things that have been going on.  And now I really should get to cleaning. Don’t laugh if you happen to catch a few frames of me dancing.

Samurai Swords - Wakizashi

December 14, 2005
"The wakizashi was also used to perform seppuku, the ritual suicide of a member of the warrior class who felt he or she was living with great shame, from disappointing one's master or from being humiliated in a number of other ways.
The following description is graphic and certainly not for the squeamish. Please do not allow children to read it.

The samurai, when asked to, or granted permission to, commit seppuku, would kneel in the traditional manner with his wakizashi at his side. He would take the short sword from it's saya and thrust it deeply into his own torso, cutting himself open vertically. He would then continue on his ritual, in spite of the pain, by cutting once more horizontally across the original wound. The samurai, having disemboweled himself, will have then died an honourable death. It was permissible to have a close friend or trusted ally to act as a second, meaning that he or she would stand behind the samurai and strike his head off with the katana after the first cut had been made. If a female samurai were to commit seppuku, she would only cut her own throat, a much simpler and cleaner ritual. "
This seems appropiate at times. I guess it's a good thing I'm not Japanese. and don't have any swords ...

word for the day

paladin: a champion of a cause.

The Lord works in mysterious ways

Can I gripe at the Lord? I called the most selfish person I know. And was told to get my head out of my ass. How can that be????? I stared at the sky and made faces at the Lord and accusations like “How could you???”. I don’t want to get my head out of my ass!!! I don’t want to do my part!!!! Yeah, yeah, I know I should. But to have the most immature, selfish person I know tell me to swallow my pride, be loving, subservient, whatever it takes.  How can everyone else see that he’s a good man? From Day 1 people have been telling me that. Here’s my problem, I know it, have always known it, but it doesn’t and hasn’t ever done anything for me. Nothing, nada, zilch fact that he’s a good enough man to swallow his pride to take care of me and my son, when no one else wanted to...  Maybe I do need to join a convent, or get with an asshole. Or get my head out of my ass. Give me time, I’ll get there eventually.

Run Away

December 13, 2005
There’s a 80s or 90s song and the chorus is going through my head, something about running away. I want to run away from myself, from my husband and family, from everything. I can barely cope. Today, I’m staying home, for the safety factor. If I got in the car, who knows what I would do. Something responsible most likely. Or at least predictable. One of my friends last night called me very predictable. So predictable in fact that he is pretty sure that I am going to separate from my husband and that will eventually lead to divorce. I really just want to get away from it all and everyone. Have a little peace and quiet so I can truly evaluate things. I don’t even know who I am anymore; let alone who I want to be. Just for a little while. I know there is no out. Not under God. But can’t I just have a little break? Just for a few days (or weeks), or until things are a little more under control? Till I can face reality with a little more composure and clarity. Everyone is basically telling me to get my head out of my ass, but I can’t. I just can’t.

Another friend suggests that while I am doing all this thinking, I am just changing the outcome. My inaction, or delayed action, changes the outcome. Part of me is frozen by fear and confusion. How did it get this bad (this fast?) How did I let myself get involved in something so detrimental? I thought I was smarter, more aware. Or maybe my masochist is tricking me. Ugh, here I go again, feeling sick as all get out. Time to go get Josh.

What 80s song are you?

I Melt With You
You're "Melt With You" by Modern English.

I'm not even sure if I remember this song ....

AdultADD.com - What is Adult ADD?

ACK!!!! It's me! sort of. well, a lot. don't come over to my house and don't ask me to find anything important. and here i am procrastinating again. Well, I need to talk to my doc anyways. I'll just have to remember to bring this up too.

Symptoms commonly associated with Adult ADD include:
Lack of focus
Difficulty finishing projects
Losing things

These symptoms interfere with success at work and get in the way at home or with friends. Many adults do not realize that they have Adult ADD until their own child is diagnosed with the disorder. Only then do they recognize the pattern of problems they have faced since childhood. They are relieved that there is a name for the frustration they have felt all their lives, and there are therapies and treatments designed to help."

Random internal dialogue

what is it with men who put their own desires on you???? but that's another rant about men who think they are all that and think you should think that too. and that you should sleep with them because they are all that.

I've been comparing myself to a cat since I was a teenager, mainly in how they express affection and like to receive affection. *head butt*paw* scratch* pay attention to me dammit!!! Oh yeah, ears, chin, maybe belly if you are really good .... there I go digressing. Oh wait! i can do that in this one. I have never been good at stream of consciousness writing. I'm always aware of my audience and try to stay on topic, whatever the topic may be.

Today's topic is ME!!! See that bit up there about me being narcissistic. I am really really really internal right now. If I step out of me, I see it's disgusting and selfish, and not the usual me. But that;s where i am right now. All about me. I'm selfish and demanding, and recently very untrustworthy, and lazy, and selfish (oh darn, did I mention that already) and the super-sad-disturbing part is that I know all this and I don't care. I can't seem to get up the gumption to change. i don't want to change. everyone around me is telling me what to do and how to do it, maybe knowing or not knowing that I know all this already, but my heart isn't in it. Sometimes I am terribly sad, and other times, just ... shut down. I'm vacillating between complete nervous breakdown and shutting down and out everything emotional. I've done both before. You think i'm nuts now???!!!??? I think i am nuts now. I haven't been this unstable in years, and that took something traumatic happening. I was between relationships, did something stupid, tried to fix it, and went nuts. Then I did it again 9 months later!!! Though that was for the love of a man. NOTE: any man that asks you to betray yourself is NOT worth keeping. Not to mention he dumped me a year later. Then I went through some seriously self-destructive behavior. Moved up here, had to grow up a little more, and stopped the behavior. well, that and there were no enablers up here. Fast forward 6 years. Somehow, I find myself in the place where i was about 8 or 9 years ago. Ready to go nuts and all self-destructive. and it's taking all my resolve not to do that, not to self destruct. there's more at stake now and I have a sense of responsibility. that's what's keeping me from going absolutely bonkers. the masochist in me Really really really really really wants out -- just to see what would happen. The masochist would like to see exactly how bad things can get. I mean, come on, how many people can you hurt? How badly can you hurt them? and then .... is your tongue, motives, heart good enough to regain all that trust, in record time no less, and make it all better? Can you hit bottom and then make it all better?

So, it wants to destroy me and has issued a challenge. and, oh, how i love a good challenge. but then, there is knowing when not to listen, when to walk away, etc. how do you walk away from the voice in your head?

OKCupid Personality Test

December 12, 2005
This is not encouraging ....

The Battleaxe
Deliberate Brutal Love Master (DBLMf)

Sharp. Hardened. Dominating. The Battleaxe sweeps all before her, smiting and what not.

You've had a number of serious relationships, so you obviously have many attractive qualities. You're well experienced in dealing with other people's weirdnesses, and it's likely you're good in bed by now, too. Also, like the drunken housewife chucking Heinekens at her no-good husband, you've got a lot of energy.

People can tell you're sophisticated, and so you find yourself the object of infatuations quite often. But it's how you handle yourself in your relationships that gets you the 'brutal' tag. Controlling? Imperious? Overbearing? Yes, please.

Remarkably, you don't mind the same from your men. You've experience enough to take whatever you dish out. Overall, you're a very good person and a capable lover, and when the time comes you'll make a fine divorcee.


CONSIDER: The False Messiah, someone just like you.

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating

I feel better now

I give you
by Shel Silverstein

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout
Would not take the garbage out.
She'd wash the dishes and scrub the pans
Cook the yams and spice the hams,
And though her parents would scream and shout,
She simply would not take the garbage out.
And so it piled up to the ceiling:
Coffee grounds, potato peelings,
Brown bananas and rotten peas,
Chunks of sour cottage cheese.
It filled the can, it covered the floor,
It cracked the windows and blocked the door,
With bacon rinds and chicken bones,
Drippy ends of ice cream cones,
Prune pits, peach pits, orange peels,
Gloppy glumps of cold oatmeal,
Pizza crusts and withered greens,
Soggy beans, and tangerines,
Crusts of black-burned buttered toast,
Grisly bits of beefy roast.
The garbage rolled on down the halls,
It raised the roof, it broke the walls,
I mean, greasy napkins, cookie crumbs,
Blobs of gooey bubble gum,
Cellophane from old bologna,
Rubbery, blubbery macaroni,
Peanut butter, caked and dry,
Curdled milk, and crusts of pie,
Rotting melons, dried-up mustard,
Eggshells mixed with lemon custard,
Cold French fries and rancid meat,
Yellow lumps of Cream of Wheat.
At last the garbage reached so high
That finally it touched the sky,
And none of her friends would come to play,
And all of her neighbors moved away;
And finally, Sarah Cynthia Stout
Said, "Okay, I'll take the garbage out!"
But then, of course it was too late,
The garbage reached across the state,
From New York to the Golden Gate;
And there in the garbage she did hate
Poor Sarah met an awful fate
That I cannot right now relate
Because the hour is much too late
But children, remember Sarah Stout,
And always take the garbage out.

My garbage was starting to look like that. I mentioned to a friend that my house is a reflection of my marriage. You can just guess. But I feel better now after cleaning the bathroom. The Tower of Garbage is gone, the floor swept and mopped and the toilet cleaned. It looks and smells so much better. I can sleep now. Well, I could if I hadn't drank two cups of coffee. Man, that International Coffee stuff is good! and all for the cost of a mocha at Starbuck's. I just need to ... darn, lost my thought. I drank the white chocolate tonight. Tastes pretty good, I tend to forget that it's caffeinated. But that's about all that I have drunk so far in the last few days .... must eat food.

CT at the Movies: Aslan Roars into Theaters

December 10, 2005
Biblical perspectives on contemporary cinema
Friday, December 09, 2005

 Aslan Roars into Theaters
The long wait has ended. Aslan has bounded into your local cineplex in all of his big-screen glory. Well, most of his glory, anyway. More on that in a moment.

We've given 3½ stars to The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, the cinematic adaptation of C.S. Lewis's beloved children's book. We like the movie a lot, and as Jeffrey Overstreet's review notes, it is a "delightful fantasy" and "an admirable success." Indeed, it's a visual feast and a rollicking adventure for the whole family, a well-done movie that remains reasonably faithful to the book.

It's that "reasonably faithful" part that kept us from giving it the 4 stars we had hoped it would deserve. The children—especially Georgie Henley as wide-eyed Lucy—are marvelous, and the White Witch, though given a bit more power than in the book, is played splendidly by Tilda Swinton. But Aslan, the central figure in the story, is somewhat diminished.

USA Today gives Narnia 3 stars (out of 4), referring to Aslan as the "kindly lion who sacrifices himself." Perhaps unintentionally, USA Today has nailed it by referring to him as a "kindly" lion—and not a "kingly" one. He looks great; the CGI animators did a brilliant job with him. But as Jeffrey notes in our review, the filmmakers have "severely altered Aslan's presence and power."

For example, when the Pevensie children first learn about Aslan from Mr. and Mrs. Beaver, they're supposed to hear that he's a king, and that he's even a bit dangerous: "'Course he's not safe. But he's good," Mr. Beaver says in the book. But those lines are inexplicably omitted in the film. (Mr. Tumnus utters a variation of the "not safe but good" line at the end of the film, but by then, what's the point?)

Jeffrey's review notes that the scriptwriters "consistently skirt the issue of Aslan's authority, eliminating most references to his history, power, and influence. Aslan's father, the Emperor-beyond-the-sea, is never mentioned. Instead, the lion waxes philosophical like Obi-Wan Kenobi, mentioning the Deep Magic that 'governs' his 'destiny.' Huh?"

Huh indeed.

Valid criticisms, for sure, but they don't ruin the film by any means. People who haven't read the book should love the film, and those who have embraced the book for years—I think I've read it 25 times—will still find much to enjoy.

We encourage you to go see Narnia for yourself, and then let us know what you think. We might compile reader comments into an article to run next week.

Also on the Narnia front, executive producer Perry Moore, a self-professed Narnia geek, says the movie is a lifelong dream come true. Check out my interview with Moore, who challenges moviegoers to find a more faithful book adaptation on film than this one. And if you haven't seen any previews for the movie—or you're just hankering for more—see the 9-minute "supertrailer" we reported in Reel News.

Finally, Narnia is great discussion fodder for the whole family. Our Resources department has put together a terrific Bible study based on the film, the latest in an excellent series of Movie Discussion Guides.

In non-Narnia news (yes, there is some!), we've reviewed the new political thriller Syriana, though it's not as politically explosive as the mainstream media might suggest. Film Forum rounds up what other Christian critics are saying about Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux, and a few more movies. And finally, check out our two latest Movie Discussion Guides on Kingdom of Heaven and X-Men.

See you at the movies,
Mark Moring
Mark Moring
Online Managing Editor/Music & Film

P.S. A drama documentary on the life of C.S. Lewis will be shown on the Hallmark Channel tonight at 8 p.m. (Eastern). The special is directed by Norman Stone, who also helmed the acclaimed BBC TV production of Shadowlands in 1985.

To reply to this newsletter: ctmovies@christianitytoday.com

[snip] You can probably read the newsletter at the Christianity Today website.
December 8, 2005
I have no motivation. I am so used to talking to one particular person, having him available. And now I can't. And there is so much to do. I'm in limbo. Someone give me a push so I can get rolling ... rolling, downhill. Everything downhill. Gee, maybe I should get on some meds. Not being able to talk to someone shouldn't be this bad. Why don't i feel this bad when i don't talk to God? prolly because I don't have such intimate conversations as i did with CWSC.

what a PIA! I know this is right, but it feels ... blah. I want my cake and to eat it too. It's like being a diabetic, making a luscious poundcake, and then watching it get wasted because I can't eat it.

mmmm coffee

[Caution, this post has some icky stuff in it]

So, this morning I woke up kinda horny, but I wasn't wet, my period had started!!! So, in a way, I was wet, just not the way that I could wake up my hubby and say, "Come on hunny, time for a quickie". So, since I was up and semi-functional I decided to go to the grocery store to get some instant coffee. General Mills International, good stuff. Swiss Mocha and White Chocolate. mmmmm.

Ah, and now the cramps begin. The one thing I hate about being female. Why does NOT getting pregnant hurt so much? I mean, the childbearing is supposed to hurt (To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children."Gen 3:16a), but all the times when you aren't pregnant too? That's just not fair!!!

Back to coffee and starting the day.

What flavor of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream are you?

December 7, 2005
A one question meme that actually has me pegged, I think ....

You Are Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream

You just don't know when you've had enough (or too much)!

Some Megachurches Closing for Christmas

December 6, 2005
My one immediate response to this bull-pucky is HELLO!!! What about feeding those others who ENJOY the fellowship of their church family??? The church is about believers as much as the "unchurched". And yes, our small church is having one service that day, a little later than usual, and there probably will be a small turnout, but hey, what's 2 hours out of the whole day?

"This Christmas, no prayers will be said in several megachurches around the country. Even though the holiday falls this year on a Sunday, when churches normally host thousands for worship, pastors are canceling services, anticipating low attendance on what they call a family day.

Critics within the evangelical community, more accustomed to doing battle with department stores and public schools over keeping religion in Christmas, are stunned by the shutdown.
It is almost unheard of for a Christian church to cancel services on a Sunday, and opponents of the closures are accusing these congregations of bowing to secular culture.

'This is a consumer mentality at work: `Let's not impose the church on people. Let's not make church in any way inconvenient,'' said David Wells, professor of history and systematic theology at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, a leading evangelical school in Hamilton, Mass. 'I think what this does is feed into the individualism that is found throughout American culture, where everyone does their own thing.'

The churches closing on Christmas plan multiple services in the days leading up to the holiday, including on Christmas Eve. Most normally do not hold Christmas Day services, preferring instead to mark the holiday in the days and night before. However, Sunday worship has been a Christian practice since ancient times.

Cally Parkinson, a spokeswoman for Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, Ill., said church leaders decided that organizing services on a Christmas Sunday would not be the most effective use of staff and volunteer resources. The last time Christmas fell on a Sunday was 1994, and only a small number of people showed up to pray, she said.

"If our target and our mission is to reach the unchurched, basically the people who don't go to church, how likely is it that they'll be going to church on Christmas morning?" she said.

and so it begins

So, I let Joy watch too much TV. It's a sad fact. But she is turning into quite the cinephile. This morning's choice (beating out reading to her dolls and Sesame Street) is .... drumroll please, "A Charlie Brown Christmas". She's laying on the couch watching it contentedly.

Wizards Of Winter Video on Metacafe

December 4, 2005
You might want to turn the volume down a little, or up if you *really really* like TSO.

What Star Wars Character are you?

December 3, 2005
I took it again, I couldn't help myself. I can't beleive I rate as Chewie? Can you??? So, I take it again, and guess what -- I'm Chewie again!!!!! Only edgier!!! *sigh*

You scored 37% airiness, 73% squishiness, and 42% edginess!

According to our patented JawamaticTM technology, you are most like Chewbacca in personality.

Chewbacca epitomises the idea of a "gentle giant" -- someone whose stature is intimidating but who is actually very kind and caring. In many ways he's very similar to Han Solo, his best friend, but he's much more comfortable with his emotions.

Chewie is, in a word, sweet.

(The polar opposite of Chewbacca is Darth Vader.)

The eight profiles are as follows:

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating

You scored higher than 25% on airiness

free online datingfree online dating

You scored higher than 86% on squishiness

free online datingfree online dating

You scored higher than 50% on edginess

The Star Wars Personality Test written by MiguelSanchez on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
December 2, 2005

You scored 37% airiness, 57% squishiness, and 15% edginess!

According to our patented JawamaticTM technology, you are most like Chewbacca in personality.

Chewbacca epitomises the idea of a "gentle giant" -- someone whose stature is intimidating but who is actually very kind and caring. In many ways he's very similar to Han Solo, his best friend, but he's much more comfortable with his emotions.

Chewie is, in a word, sweet.

(The polar opposite of Chewbacca is Darth Vader.)

The eight profiles are as follows:

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 25% on airiness

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 64% on squishiness

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 6% on edginess
Link: The Star Wars Personality Test written by MiguelSanchez on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test


December 1, 2005
AngusClark.com Home Page of Angus Clark: "Had a great day off in Portland! Went to Jake's Crawfish and ate a great meal.

Ready to get down to business, it's really starting to feel like the holidays!


He's the cutie of the band :) Cut his hair and went brown, but still, that smile *sigh*. We had floor seats last night and he and Phoebe (violinist with as much energy as my 3-yr-old, if not more!) were close enough to touch! They came down into the audience and then got on a platform that raised up. The platform seemed only about 4 or 5 rows behind us. It was soooooooooooo cool! Can we do it again? I love live music, especially when the musicians really get into it.

Anna Phoebe - Downloads

Too bad blogger doesn't do tags like LJ ... ah well. Add this under TSO Stuff. This song is a blast.

WHEDONesque : Browse by category : Firefly&Serenity

Cool fan site. All things Joss Whedon. Membership is closed though *pout*

Serenity Role Playing Game

Kick ass!!!!! I would play this. Not to mention that I have read most of Ms. Weis' books ...... I guess she broke away from TSR/WoTC.

Amazon.com: Serenity Role Playing Game: Books: "Here's How It Is --
The Earth got used up, and we found a new solar system and used terraforming technology to create hundreds of new Earths. The central planets formed the Alliance and decided that all worlds should unite under their rule. There was some disagreement on that point. After the Unification War, many of the Independents who had fought and lost drifted to the edges of the system, far from Alliance control. Out here, people struggled to get by with the most basic technologies. A ship would bring you work, a gun would help you keep it. A captain's goal was simple: find a crew, find a job, keep flying.

The Serenity Role Playing Game lets you re-create the action of the 'Verse, the science-fiction setting created by writer/director Joss Whedon. Fly a ship out in the black, take jobs as they come, and always make sure you get paid. Everything you need to get started is right here! All you need is dice, friends, and your imagination.

? A self-contained role playing game. All the rules are provided for both players and Game Masters!
? Full character creation rules, plus fifteen sample characters --including the crew of Serenity.
? Complete details on spaceships, guns, and technology.
? Emphasis on story, action, and character development with easy-to-learn rules.
? Game details and descriptions of the characters and settings of the film!

From the Publisher
Margaret Weis Productions, Ltd. is a game publisher and book packaging company founded and managed by Margaret Weis, who has over two decades of experience best-selling novels and games. The company is based in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin -- the birthplace of the roleplaying game hobby."

Look what my hunny did for me :) It's a one of a kind creation, and no, you can't have it. Go make your own.

SW addict redux

Nope, SW II it is. She doesn't like the little kid Anakin apparently (he doesn't show up soon enough for her tastes) -- and Ep. II has something I doesn't, lots of footage of Yoda.

star wars addict

So, it's freezing outside and kind of a "pajammies day". After scarfing down my breakfast my daughter announces that she is going to watch Star Wars. As I get the toddler that I watch cleaned up from breakfast, she gets the DVD, inserts it into the player, uses a chair to get the DVD remote and settles in to watch. I ask "Star Wars I?" and she answers "NO, Star Wars II. Star Wars II, Star Wars II" starting to croon it. And now she is telling the toddler "SHHHHH!"

Though, reading the beginning lines, I was right, it's episode I. There's just something about Tatooine.

Something to think about

Sometimes, you just have to be bluntly reminded ..... to get down on your knees and pray -- HARD. This coupled with the Screwtape Letters, I think someone is trying to get through to me.
Letter From the Devil

This can really make you think. It actually made me mad while I was reading it, but I had to send it because of the P.S. This is deep... and I wasn't going to forward or share it, but that last line... you'll see.

I saw you yesterday as you began your daily chores. You awoke without kneeling to pray. As a matter of fact, you didn't even bless your meals, or pray before going to bed last night. You are so unthankful, I like that about you. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you have not changed your way of living. Fool, you are mine. Remember, you and I have been going steady for years and I still don't love you yet. As a matter of fact, I hate you because I hate God. I am only using you to get even with God. He kicked me out of heaven and I'm going to use you as long as possible to pay him back. You see fool, GOD LOVES YOU and HE has great plans in store for you But you have yielded your life to me, and I'm going to make your life a living hell. That way we'll be together twice. This will really hurt God.

Thanks to you, I'm really showing Him who's boss in your life with all of the good times we've had. We have been watching dirty movies, cursing people out, stealing, lying, being hypocritical, fornicating, telling dirty jokes, gossiping, being judgmental back stabbing people, no respect for adults, and those in leadership positions, no respect for the Church, bad attitudes. SURELY you don't want to give all this up. Come on, fool, let's burn together forever I've got some hot plans for us. This is just a letter of appreciation from me to you. I'd like to say "THANKS" for letting me use you for most of your foolish life

You are so gullible, I laugh at you. When you are tempted to sin, you give in HA HA HA, you make me sick. Sin is beginning to take it's toll on your life. You look 20 years older, and now, I need new blood. So go ahead and teach some children how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or drink while under age, cheat, gamble, gossip, fornicate, and live being as selfish as possible.

Do all of this in the presence of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that. Well, Fool, I have to let you go for now. I'll be back in a couple of seconds to tempt you again. If you were smart, you would run somewhere, confess you sins, and live for God with what little bit of life that you have left. It's not my nature to warn anyone, but to be your age and still sinning, it's becoming a bit ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I still hate you. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST.

P.S. If you really love me, you won't share this letter! with anyone.
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