Francine Rivers and a woman's life.

I have been tearing through Francine Rivers' books in the last month. I first discovered her around 2001 when the Lineage of Grace series came out. I started with Tamar, then couldn't find the rest, or else life got in the way. I started reading those again last month and still have Mary to read, and I really want to do the studies. Especially on Ruth and Bathsheba. Right now I am at a place where I can totally, completely relate to Bathsheba and another character in Redeeming Love, named Sarah/Angel. The way Angel thinks and reacts to things is so much like me, though I thankfully was not put through the abuse she was. I did my own self-abuse and lately have been feeling self-destructive again, and can't figure out why. It's really hard to fight tendencies that are so internal. The most important part of the book for me though, was the end where Ms. Rivers gives her testimony. I needed to read that. I also want to come to the place where God speaks to me. I've been reading another book called Calvary Distinctives written by Pastor Chuck Smith. In chapter three there is some convicting stuff about the Holy Spirit that I haven't been able to get out of my head.
We also believe that the Holy Spirit provides the power in the life of the believer to give him victory over sin and over the flesh. We are taught to walk after the Spirit and not after the flesh. He that walks after the Spirit will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. The Holy Spirit is the power over the flesh life, giving us power over our fallen nature. He is the power in our life to conform us into the image of Jesus Christ. "But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord." (II Corinthians 3:18). So we see the dynamic power of the Spirit in us which comes when we accept Jesus. He begins that work in us of transforming us into the image of Jesus Christ.
I'm missing the Holy Spirit in my life. That's depressing. We walk, and try, and get baptized, and yet, there is still something missing, or something that I am doing wrong. Well, right now I know exactly what I am doing wrong but can't seem to stop it. Frankly, I don't want to stop it. It gives me an odd sense of comfort. But before that, what was I doing wrong??? This is a trial I am failing miserably. Did I mention that we are studying James right now?

On another topic, slightly related, I am at a place in my marriage where I think I can see my mother's point of view and reasoning and things that may have led to my parents' divorce. When needs aren't being met, and communication scarce, you start looking for that elsewhere. And then the trouble starts. Luckily, Tim and I are able to talk, though I don't think eHarmony would have put us together :) I have to keep remembering that I prayed for a certain type of man. Tim fits that prayer to a T. However, I left out some things that are important to me now, but weren't when I wrote the prayer. Now I know that God answers our prayers usually with more than we could ever ask or imagine, so what's the deal here? WHAT am I missing? Can someone please tell me?

Enough for now. Joy is starting to get art supplies out.

If you have read this far, answer the random trivia of the day: What is Gus' full name? (from Cinderella)