- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich.
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
- Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?