Why I Need a Wife
In a perfect world, every woman would have a wife. Unfortunately, there is no such world, but I still need a wife. I have asked for a wife for years. Every time my family says, “What do you want for your birthday: Mother’s Day, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, or Easter.”
I smile and respond, “A wife.”
They smile sweetly and respond, “No, really, Mom. What do you want?”
I do not understand why they will not believe me. I am very serious. “I want a wife!”
I want someone who will sort, wash, fold and put away the laundry, so I can pretend these things magically appear in their proper place on a weekly basis. If she could mend and iron, that would be even better.
One Christmas, I included my own letter to Santa along with the children’s letters. It was not a long letter, only one request, but he did not answer. I am not sure if Santa thought it was a joke or he forwarded it and my request was lost in transit.
My letter read: “Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a wife. I have tried to be good, and I could sure use the help. Thank You, Jayne. P.S. If you cannot help me, please, forward my letter to Cupid, the Easter Bunny, or my husband.
Nothing! That was the Christmas when I could have used a wife to take care of all the baking, decorating, grocery shopping, help with towels, and changing sheets because we had non-stop company from Thanksgiving through mid-January. Even the dogs were beginning to get confused as to who lived in the house.
I think the terms “stay at home” and “non-working” when attached to the noun Mom should be outlawed. It has been my personal experience that being a “stay at home, non-working” mom means I'm never at home, and I never have time to get anything done. I need a wife so the cleaning, cooking, and laundry get done while I run around helping, supporting, volunteering, and supervising the various groups, activities, events, and children who need me because, “You have free time since you don't work, and you don't have anything important to do.”
Another thing I detest is filling out forms, because I do not know what to put in the “occupation” box. "Mom" or "wife" gets the response, “That's not a job. What do you do?”
Once I unclench my jaw, I start to explain what I do, and these people say, “I see. You're a housewife.”
I really hate that word. I do not recall marrying a house. I am sure I would remember that, especially as I hate doing housework. If I complain about that term, they smile indulgently and say, “We will put down domestic engineer.”
What is that? An engineer is a highly paid technical job. What kind of education do you get to be a domestic engineer? Are there foreign engineers or undomesticated engineers, and what kind of degree do you look for when you want to study to become these engineers? Do people really think putting domestic engineer on the occupation line makes up for the lack of respect being a stay at home mom gets in society? If you are going to call me a domestic engineer, I want the salary an engineer gets, because my current salary really stinks.
I have finally solved the problem of the occupation line on school forms. I write “slave.” Then, under hours, I put “24 hours a day, 365 days a year, on call at all times, no vacation.”
My daughter read her form and told me, “But Mom, you’re not a slave. You are more like a maid.”
I patiently explained that a maid gets a salary, has regular working hours, and gets not only time off but also gets vacations, has opportunities for pay raises and can change jobs, if things are not satisfactory at the current position. After my explanation, her younger brother looked at his form and then told his sister, “No. Mom’s right. She is a slave.”